Motivational Pukers

After a recent company meeting, where they trotted out this motivational speaker to try and get us to buy into the corporate notion that we all have to achieve our highest potential to be happy (and maximize profits), I came to a simple, inescapable conclusion.

I hate motivational speakers.

There are a certain percentage of people who are natural over achievers, meaning that they are internally motivated to try and wring the maximum "success" out of their lives (as opposed to, oh, I don't know, say, living their lives). Maybe they are super competitive, super greedy or just feel like Daddy never loved them enough, so they have to overcompensate. And some of them are just business adrenaline junkies. That's those people, and if that high energy, maximum effort lifestyle fulfills, them, I think that's just dandy. I don't dislike these people. At all.

Unless they decide that everybody else should be just like them and drink the high achiever koolaid which says that you are a "loser" if you're not making 6 figures and living the high roller lifestyle.

The simple truth of the matter, though, is that most of us have modest ambitions. We all would like to make a little more money, dress a little nicer, have a newer car, etc. and most of us achieve limited versions of those goals as time and careers play out, but big time success is not really on the agenda for the majority of people. Not that it can't be done, but that everybody can't do it. Somebody has to do the kind of work that I do. Somebody has to sell copiers and run printing shops and keep the books and answer the phones. For the most part, the people who get the big success are the ones who practically kill themselves to get it. They work 60-70 hour weeks. They spend years getting advanced degrees. Also, not coincidentally, lots of the most successful people are particularly talented in the fields within which they work.

So along comes some motivational schmendrick who wrote a book, or had a successful business selling real estate pyramid plans or defrauding old people, and has subsequently been able to convince various businesses that they can help increase productivity and boost morale by giving the employees a metaphysical shot in the arm, a success mantra that will lead to more money, more happiness and true success!!!

By and large, they all preach some version of the "positive thinking mantra." "If you can see it, you can be it!"

The idea is that if you believe in yourself enough, you can do anything. That is the biggest load of crap in history, and is, not coincidentally, the precise reason that the auditions for American Idol are a hideous blight on the ears of a gullible viewing public. Okay, good entertainment, but not a recipe for success.

I'll tell you what. If you own a company with a bunch of slacker employees and you want me to give them the "secret" to success, then I will give it to them.

I will gather them all together, ask management to leave the room and I will tell them this. "Be smart, be lucky, and work your ass off. Oh, and it also helps if you have a wealthy relative to bankroll your business." There, that took about 15 seconds.

Then, I will invite them over to a nearby bar, where I will buy them drinks with my hefty appearance fee, and we will make fun of their weaselly corporate lackey bosses. This will do much more for their happiness and self esteem than an hour of some dillweed telling them what amounts to "you're not good enough if you aren't running (or owning) a Fortune 500 company by the time you're 40."

My message is, if you're good enough for you, you're good enough for me. Let's get a beer.